In Loving Memory of John Victor Robinson (29th July 1943 - 17th June 1996)
Yes.... perhaps now I can understand......
To me he was my Brother, my Sacred Twin.
I felt a love for him that was deeper, stronger, warmer, richer, than any love I had felt before.
He was powerful in his manhood, and I am a woman.
I feel as a woman, and need as a woman.
He was everything I needed and more.
But I did not understand.
He was the rich depth in music - the pulse behind the sound -
I felt him within it, and I was warm beside him.
His touch awakened my heart. It was on my soul.
He caressed the wounds of misunderstanding, and I could respond, for I was not afraid.
He was my Father, and held me as a child when the pain was bad,
And the ache that lay inside died within me,
For it could not live without peace, and he gave me that peace.
As my Brother he protected me, when pathetically I loved, yet was frightened to give:
Frightened of suffocation, misunderstanding, not reaching an image, hurting through that love.
And I felt him there behind me, encouraging, re-assuring, protecting me from hurt.
He was my Son - there was child in his heart, and he bled when he was cut.
Then I could touch the wound, and stroke away his torment.
I took the strength he had given me, and returned it with joy.
I was his Mother, and held his head at my breast when he cried,
For I could take his suffering and place it in the palm of my hand,
And show him it would not harm him - for I was there.
He was my Friend, and grasped the laughter that glows in the sun:
The haze of warmth that lay in golden days.
His humour caught by a flash of inspiration that radiated outwards and captured me with fun.
I could be happy with him; play games that children do, yet have no thoughts of childishness;
Be silent, but feel no emptiness of spirit.
I could run with the energy of youth, and talk until the dawn,
Knowing I was understood.
But he could not be with me forever, for he had to leave this world to go his own way,
As I will mine.
Yet never will he be alone, for I will always be there beside him in my heart,
As he will me.
And I will not forget the joy, and beauty, and peace that he has given,
And through me - and those he touched - he will be remembered.
For we are all still free; free to live and love in whatever world;
Free to give what is needed, and take when we need.
I have learned so much.
My Spirit is warm with the Fires of Truth;
A terrible sadness, but still an urgency to trust and exist.
It is my need. It is my right.
Those who fear the Finger of Death in this fragile world, direct it straight to their hearts,
For they risk becoming hollow and thinned by the Shadow of Grief.
Take care this picture is not fitting to you, for we must release the bonds that hold us captive, and set ourselves free.
Set Love free.
Feel, and give, and let go, with the simplicity of a child unhardened by adult bewilderment.
This man is still gold to me; a reflection of the sun we need for life.
His body moved as a Lion, and his strength remains as my shield.
So go in peace and live your freedom,
My dearest Brother, my Love, my Sacred Twin.
For now..... yes now, I do understand.
© Jenni Shell